trying to keep sanity tethered to the hitching post in my mind.

smiling

this morning i woke up, really woke up, for the first time in a long time. and it feels good.

perhaps its just in my nature to think everything out to much. i mean really...

this summer has been a mix of beer, awkward sex, bizarre encounters, packs of mint cigarettes (nat sherman's to be exact), breakups, heart break, freedom, seventy hour work weeks, shitty co-workers, even shittier bosses, roommate experiences, web creating, connection making, coffee, and not sleeping.

and that is just in one days work.

completely unrelated...i have yet to decide why i really have this blog in additon to my other one. and perhaps it is to explore something i am still not ready for.

dark dreams

they have been coming and going for so long now that i can't even really pinpoint them.

yesterday was a dream about a tsunami and my father cheating on my mother. the few days before that it was a croc chasing a friend of mine who i never saw again after she went under the water a second time.

my head needs a break.

tired and battered. wounded and healing. so much is going on that is so pesimistic that it is hard for me to see the silk lining beneath all of the shit.

unhinged. stressed. tortured. broken. beyond repair. a bit melancholy. losing optimism. gaining strength. believing in myself again. losing faith in everything. unsure. slipping. sinking. drowing. negative. disgruntled. fake. bleeding. pained. understanding it all. crying. pretending. all must be followed by redemption.

everyone has their demons. those that eat away at their soul. the ones that cry out and claw at your ribs and collar bone-- pressing. begging to be released.

yet some of us have demons that don't claw, they just simply exist. and in their existence they become part of the background noise. the noise that is ignored.

but there are those of us that oblige to the voices, the noises, the feelings, and the emotion because the aching pain beneath our breastbone burns. unequivocated in strength. once released they follow us day and night, nipping at our heels. clawing at the back of our minds. driving some utterly mad. our minds have no capacity to cage them, so they roam. during their roaming they devour all that breathes light and joy. and in this process, are left raw and scathed--sobbing on hard cement, lost and alone.

i, unfortunately, am among those that have these kinds of demons. the kind that bring people to their knees. the kind that turn people utterly mad. mad to the point of pounding your head against things and screaming at the things that are not there...will never be there...and have never been there before. it gets to the point when your eyes flit from corner to corner of every room, hoping that what you are hearing does not truly exist. that the things you hear are simply figments of your imagination. yet the imagination is powerful and the imagination has the ability to render these things 'real'. and no matter how fast i run, they keep up; they are a part of me. a part of me i cannot let go of.

and in my refusal to allow them to control me, i have kept them at bay. but not caged. never caged...

but no one ever said i couldn't keep them leashed.